Corrector:
Name : Ni Nyoman Ayu Padmitri
NIM : 1212021059
Class : 3 B
Free
Hug
By:
Yeyen Andiani
(You didn’t show the topic sentence clearly
at first) Maybe you ever feel if the peace in this world was more and more
on the wane. In this video (don’t use this
phrase because we didn’t report something) we can see how one of man shows
us about the peace range of people who don’t know each other. The man looks
like weird person. He not looks cute and handsome. He had long
hair and bearded. He uses glasses, grey trousers,
red coat, and blue t-shirt. At the first not one person want to respond the
man. People only look at him and still walking. And maybe a few of people was
judge him a strange people. And at the first (why do you put time order “at first” after the long sentence? is it a
time order or not? or you can use another way to express the police response in
this case) the police is not really like him, he forbid the man to do this
in the street because is annoy people who walk on the street. But in the end
the police is give him permission. After the police tried to stop the campaign
the people support the man, they talk to the police. (You said that he got permission from the
police so why you still said after the police tried to stop the campaign. You
should exchange those sentence and it will make your sentence better) And
after that people was hugging the police too. And then a lot of people were
joining to the man to give a free hug to other people. Everyone was hugging
each others. And then he got 10.000 signatures from people. (Why don’t you give some explanation, why did
he have the sign? It is ambiguous, just imagine the readers don’t know the case
clearly, so they can make the readers understand with your clear explanation)
Then a lot of people were happy, smile and hugging each other. From that video
we can know peace is not only people who know each other and peace is not only
by say sorry or something else. But peace can we show in the lot of way.
Correction:
There
are some words and sentences that still in bad or wrong grammar. Those are:
-
Here you
should use simple past tense because you tell or analyze something that has
happened.
-
You are not
consistent in using the grammar (tenses)
-
Maybe you ever feel (you ever felt)
-
We can see how one of man shows (one of
men showed)
-
The man looks like weird person (you
forgot the article a before the word weird)
-
He not looks cute and handsome. (here,
look is a verb so you have to write he didn’t look cute and handsome)
-
At the first not one person ( at the
first, no one or no person)
-
And maybe a few of people was judge him
a strange people (maybe a few of people judged him …)
-
You say “at the first” in two times. It
makes the reader confused which sentence or event which was the first.
-
The police is
not really like him (the police did not like him very much)
-
He forbid the
man to do this in the street because is annoy people (on the street because it
was annoy the people..)
-
You have to
consider which sentence needs a comma (,), full stop (.). It will make your
writing better.
-
You are often
said “and”.
-
And then a lot
of people were joining to the man ( a lot of people joined
the man)
the man)
-
You have to
modify your sentences.
Outline:
-
I think the
topic sentence of this paragraph is tells about peace. Peace is not only from
each other that we know and we can get peace by some ways.
-
Major: He not looks cute and handsome.
-
Minor: He had long
hair and bearded.
-
Major: At
the first not one person want to respond the man.
-
Minor: People only look at him and still
walking. And maybe a few of people was judge him a strange people.
-
Tell about the
man’s appearance
-
No respond to
him
-
People thought
that he was a strange person
-
Police did not
like him very much
-
But people
support the man
-
He got
permission from the police
-
People hug the
police
-
People joined
the man to give a hug to the others
-
He got 10.000
signatures
-
People were
also happy
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