The Spirit of a Young Man

The Spirit of a Young Man

A young man with shoulder length hair campaigned on the street with a big spirit to build togetherness. He struggled to get what he wanted although at the first time, no one cared. People just stared at him and passed around him without any attention. Might be all people thought that there was something wrong on that man. With his open arms, he tried to find the person who wanted to hug him. He tried to come near everyone who passed the way and thrust his hands to everyone. Unfortunately, he got nothing. People just smiled at him without any hug. After ten minutes later, he got his free hug. An old woman gave a hug to him sincerely as his first hug and to be continued by a lady. In few minutes later, all people hugged each other, expressed their love, their feeling to everyone. They just liked friend immediately by the spirit of the man.  At the first time, this campaign didn’t get any attention from the police and it was banned by the police and also the officials. No police wanted to give their hug and intended to stop it. Because of the police tried to stop the campaign, all people helped him. They made a petition with the police and as the qualification, they had to find signatures. People struggled to find some signatures and then they stopped all pedestrians who passed the street.  At the end of the campaign, after 10,000 signatures were reached, they got a permit and the police also gave their hug. They were all happy because the campaign was permitted and they got hugs from everyone in that place.

The main point of this video was about the spirit of the man who did not give up getting what he wanted. He struggled as he could do. No matter whether there was trouble or not. Even though no one cared to him at the first time but he still tried until an old woman hugged him as the first hug that began the “Free Hugs”.  Finally he got many hugs from everyone there and also got the permit from the police after he reached 10,000 signatures as the qualification and also by the help of the people. The thing that we got from this video was the spirit of the man to build humanity and togetherness which came together in what could only be described as awe inspiring. It should be imitated by the people.

Outline about Yeyen's Writing

Corrector:

Name   : Ni Nyoman Ayu Padmitri

NIM    : 1212021059

Class    : 3 B

Free Hug

By: Yeyen Andiani

(You didn’t show the topic sentence clearly at first) Maybe you ever feel if the peace in this world was more and more on the wane. In this video (don’t use this phrase because we didn’t report something) we can see how one of man shows us about the peace range of people who don’t know each other. The man looks like weird person. He not looks cute and handsome. He had long hair and bearded. He uses glasses, grey trousers, red coat, and blue t-shirt. At the first not one person want to respond the man. People only look at him and still walking. And maybe a few of people was judge him a strange people.  And at the first (why do you put time order “at first” after the long sentence? is it a time order or not? or you can use another way to express the police response in this case) the police is not really like him, he forbid the man to do this in the street because is annoy people who walk on the street. But in the end the police is give him permission. After the police tried to stop the campaign the people support the man, they talk to the police. (You said that he got permission from the police so why you still said after the police tried to stop the campaign. You should exchange those sentence and it will make your sentence better) And after that people was hugging the police too. And then a lot of people were joining to the man to give a free hug to other people. Everyone was hugging each others. And then he got 10.000 signatures from people. (Why don’t you give some explanation, why did he have the sign? It is ambiguous, just imagine the readers don’t know the case clearly, so they can make the readers understand with your clear explanation) Then a lot of people were happy, smile and hugging each other. From that video we can know peace is not only people who know each other and peace is not only by say sorry or something else. But peace can we show in the lot of way.

Correction:

There are some words and sentences that still in bad or wrong grammar. Those are:

-          Here you should use simple past tense because you tell or analyze something that has happened.

-          You are not consistent in using the grammar (tenses)

-          Maybe you ever feel (you ever felt)

-          We can see how one of man shows (one of men showed)

-          The man looks like weird person (you forgot the article a before the word weird)

-          He not looks cute and handsome. (here, look is a verb so you have to write he didn’t look cute and handsome)

-          At the first not one person ( at the first, no one or no person)

-          And maybe a few of people was judge him a strange people (maybe a few of people judged him …)

-          You say “at the first” in two times. It makes the reader confused which sentence or event which was the first.

-          The police is not really like him (the police did not like him very much)

-          He forbid the man to do this in the street because is annoy people (on the street because it was annoy the people..)

-          You have to consider which sentence needs a comma (,), full stop (.). It will make your writing better.

-          You are often said “and”.

-          And then a lot of people were joining to the man ( a lot of people joined
 the man)

-          You have to modify your sentences.

Outline:

-          I think the topic sentence of this paragraph is tells about peace. Peace is not only from each other that we know and we can get peace by some ways.

-          Major: He not looks cute and handsome.

-          Minor: He had long hair and bearded.

-          Major: At the first not one person want to respond the man.

-          Minor: People only look at him and still walking. And maybe a few of people was judge him a strange people.

-          Tell about the man’s appearance

-          No respond to him

-          People thought that he was a strange person

-          Police did not like him very much

-          But people support the man

-          He got permission from the police

-          People hug the police

-          People joined the man to give a hug to the others

-          He got 10.000 signatures

-          People were also happy

present continous tense

1.             Present continuous(I’m doing)

·         The time is not necessarily happening at the time of speaking.

i.e Steve is talking to a friend in the telephone. He says: “I’m reading a really good book at the moment”. Steve is not reading the book, he is in the middle of speaking.

·         The action is not finished yet.

·         In the middle of doing something, not finished yet.

i.e : please don’t make so much noise. I’m trying to work.

(at the party) hello. Jane. Are enjoying the party?

·         Some of my friends are building their own house. They hope to finish it next summer.

·         We can use the present continuous with today, this week, this year.(period around now)

i.e the company  I work for isn’t doing so well this year.

·         We use the present C. when we talk about changes happening around now, especially with these verbs

Get, change, become, increase, rise, fall, grow, improve, begin, start.